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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077675">The True Chronicles of the Akatsuki, Otherwise Known As: What Exactly is Water?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/billspilledquill/pseuds/billspilledquill'>billspilledquill</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Akatsuki Uchiha Sasuke, Akatsuki Uzumaki Naruto, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Gen, Pre-Slash, Swearing, don’t get me wrong Tobi making dick jokes is canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:35:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,138</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077675</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/billspilledquill/pseuds/billspilledquill</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Uzumaki Naruto is the newest member of the Akatsuki. The newest member of the Akatsuki is an idiot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akatsuki &amp; Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke &amp; Uzumaki Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>127</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The True Chronicles of the Akatsuki, Otherwise Known As: What Exactly is Water?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/DalekLetoEndeavour/gifts">DalekLetoEndeavour</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hope this silly piece can cheer you up a little!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>“I don’t <em>get</em> it,” Naruto whined. “I thought we were this cool group where we get to fight people and all, but actually we just… stab the guy, take the money, and move on? You guys are supposed to be the most dangerous criminal ring in the world!”</p><p>“How about this,” a voice chirped in. “<em>I</em> stab <em>you</em>. It shouldn’t be boring.”</p><p>Naruto swung in his cloak, his hands in mid-air, looking as exasperated as everyone felt. Maybe not Tobi, Konan thought. “And why is <em>Sasuke</em> here, out of all places?”</p><p>Sasuke looked ready to stab. “I was here <em>first</em>, you idiot.”</p><p>“I left the village! I had nowhere else to go!”</p><p>“I left the village <em>before</em> you.”</p><p>“Yeah! But you were a baby! You left when you’re a baby! Baby Sasuke!”</p><p>Sasuke’s mouth twitched downwards. Despite knowing and actively planning for the destruction of a good part part of the world for awhile, Konan had the distinct impression that the world was ending. And soon.</p><p>Konan leaned over to Pain, who was looking at the scene with an impossibly impassive yet annoyed face. It must be the earrings, Konan reasoned. “The Jinchuriki doesn’t go well with Uchiha junior,” she said helpfully.</p><p>Pain didn’t reply, which was equally helpful.</p><p>Tobi rose his hand excitedly. “Oh, oh,” he said, “Tobi knows why!”</p><p>“Yes, Tobi,” Konan said. “Everybody knows why.”</p><p>“Hm,” Deidara said.</p><p>“Maybe not everyone,” Konan added. “Would you care to explain, Tobi?”</p><p>Sometimes Konan was grateful for the mask. She knew what kind of face Tobi was making, but she didn’t need to <em>see</em> it. Tobi clapped his hands together. “A long, long time ago, there was two boys named Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke… they were close. Closer than friends. Their ninja pants were very tight—”</p><p>Sasuke looked <em>very</em> ready to stab. Konan saw Hidan give a nod of approval. He had always been fond of the boy. Said he had a high chance of, quote, “making our Lord and Saviour Jashin proud.” Konan supposed that it was a somewhat poetic way of describing the high homicidal tendency in the boy, and didn’t comment.</p><p>“Hey!” Naruto protested. “My pants are very cool! They are not tight at all. Very comfortable. I would recommend.”</p><p>“They are <em>orange</em>.”</p><p>“Yeah, isn’t it cool?”</p><p>“They are hideous. And too large on you.”</p><p>Tobi’s hand shot up once again. “Speaking of large—"</p><p>“I don’t <em>know</em> him,” Sasuke replied calmly, with the calm tip of his calm Katana pointed very calmly, very directly at Tobi. Konan saw Hidan wipe a tear of happiness. Possibly muttered a prayer.</p><p>“Sure you know me! Uzumaki Naruto!” Naruto cried, and jabbed at finger at the Uchiha boy. Konan wondered if it was going to be cut off in two seconds or five. “I was in your class! We even fought each other at some point. I was your rival!”</p><p>Sasuke tsked. “You were a loser.”</p><p>Naruto gasped, wounded. His red eyes narrowed. “I <em>wasn’t</em> a loser.”</p><p>“You <em>were</em>.”</p><p>“I <em>wasn’t</em>!”</p><p>Konan asked, “How old are they?”</p><p>“Old enough to be in the hands of Jashin,” Hidan said wisely. “Look how they strangle each other. It’s predestined.”</p><p>Tobi shouted, “Old enough to—”</p><p>Pain rose a hand. Everyone shut up. Naruto made a gargling noise as Sasuke tried hard not to. Their necks were busy getting snapped. Deidara seemed to disapprove.</p><p>“Ugly art,” Deidara muttered under his breath while his hands started to mould terrible things. “They should at least use something that completely annihilates the cellular base…”</p><p>“I think,” Pain said, and everyone held their breath (which, admittedly, made Naruto and Sasuke’s situations less special), “that the newest member is an idiot.”</p><p>Never, Konan thought, had she heard such a frightening laugh.</p><p>“Argh! <em>Sasuke</em>!”</p><p>Sasuke choked elegantly on his laughter.</p><p>Konan said, “I’ll go call Itachi.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Itachi, needless to say, did not help on the matter.</p><p>“You are weak,” Itachi said. “Little brother—"</p><p>“I don’t need your approval!” Sasuke snapped. “Go away!”</p><p>Itachi turned to Konan; he looked like he was experiencing a human emotion. It was terrifying. “What did I say wrong?”</p><p>“I don’t see anything wrong with what you said,” Konan said, then realised this mismatched little group of S-rank criminals had approximately zero member with a normal education as children or on child-care. “I think you should call him trash or something equally demeaning,” Konan concluded. “It will let him know the level of his weakness.”</p><p>Itachi nodded solemnly. “Weak little brother…” he began.</p><p>Naruto stopped, however, the strangling. Sasuke growled and tried to reach; Naruto slapped his hand away. “Itachi?” he asked. “You’re Sasuke’s brother?”</p><p>Itachi said, “Naruto. Nice to meet you.” </p><p>Naruto was elated. “You know me!”</p><p>“Everyone knows you, Naruto.”</p><p>Naruto grinned. “Yeah, yeah, Uzumaki Naruto! That’s me!”</p><p>“Why are you here?”</p><p>”Pain let him,” Konan said. </p><p>Naruto pouted. “Why shouldn’t I be here? Even Sasuke made it here!”</p><p>“I brought him with me,” Itachi said. “He is still weak.”</p><p>Sasuke grabbed his cloak. “I’m not!”</p><p>“Excuse his language,” Itachi said.</p><p>“I didn’t even swear, nii-san!”</p><p>“Yes,” Itachi said, “but you will.”</p><p>“That’s not fair!”</p><p>“It is the fairest I can be.”</p><p>“Ah!” Naruto cried out, banging a fist in his palm, ignorant of the way Sasuke snarled. “That’s why you left the village! Your brother came to pick you up…” He had a dreamy look on his face. “That’s lucky. I wish I had a brother.”</p><p>Itachi smiled. Konan hid her face with a subtle, nagging sense of fear. “I’m happy that you think so, Naruto.” He was so overly pleased, a chilly thing to witness. “Sasuke and you are the same age. I’m sure you will be good friends.”</p><p>Tobi said, “Tobi thinks that they are—"</p><p>Konan glared. Tobi cowered.</p><p>“Tobi thinks that water is a good nutrient to the body,” Tobi said, gave a thumb-up, and ran away.</p><p>Naruto looked up to Itachi and beamed. “Nutrient sound like a cool thing!”</p><p>Itachi seemed ready to adopt the boy right on the spot. “Of course, Naruto,” he said, and added coldly, “Sasuke, don’t swear.”</p><p>Sasuke put a hand on his chest, and gasped out, “I didn’t say anything!”</p><p>“You swore in your head.”</p><p>“Did not!”</p><p>Pain looked deader than usual. Konan wished for world domination. Surely it would be more peaceful, then, with all the dead bodies.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>It did not became more peaceful. Naruto stepped on a dead body and was very loud.</p><p>“Why am I paired with Sasuke? The mission was easy! I can do it myself. He is not at my level—”</p><p>“Me? <em>Me</em>? All you do is tap into your monster’s chakra—”</p><p>“Hey! Don’t insult Kurama— all you do is your weird eye thing—"</p><p>“It’s called a Sharingan, you dimwit—”</p><p>“I will fight you!”</p><p>“Oh yeah? Then come at me!”</p><p>“I swear,” Naruto snarled, and claws began to grow instead of nails.</p><p>Konan’s paper wings formed into one single flower. She offered it to Naruto. He blinked, and his hands turned normal-shaped again.</p><p>Naruto had tears in his eyes, especially bright, especially red. “Is this for me, Konan-neechan?”</p><p>“This will kill you,” she said, “if you don’t shut up.”</p><p>May he be the flower of hope that shut up, she thought. She glanced at Sasuke, then averted her gaze. Ever since he came here as a child, Konan had refrained from speaking to him. Itachi had been overprotective; Sasuke had been a bother. He had turned strong despite Itachi’s callings. Still too young. Still too childish.</p><p>“Thank you, Konan-neechan!”</p><p>Deidara yelled from afar, “Hey, why didn’t I get one? It’s one of those explosives, is it? Hm?”</p><p>Naruto yelled louder, “Shut up! It’s my flower!”</p><p>Maybe childishness only came with the influence, she reasoned.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“I think Pain-niisan’s earrings are really cool!”</p><p>Pain’s face stayed the same as it was twenty-four hours ago, and twenty-four hours before that. His mouth twitched. “It’s not earrings.”</p><p>“But they look so cool on you!”</p><p>Pain’s face twitched. “Really?”</p><p>Naruto nodded eagerly. “Really! Say, can you teach me? I always wanted one,” he hesitated, “or sixteen… seventeen max, I swear! Please! Teach me!”</p><p>Pain pondered. “I can show you how to do it.”</p><p>“No,” Konan said firmly.</p><p>Deidara snickered. “Do you know what’s cooler, hm?”</p><p>Naruto’s head immediately snapped to the voice. “What? What?”</p><p>Bombs, probably.</p><p>“Ta-da!” Deidara laid his hand flat on the table. Upon it was a small turtle shell made of clay.</p><p>Bombs, definitely.</p><p>“That’s so cool, wow! And you did it just like that!”</p><p>Deidara grinned in triumph. “Do you know what’s cooler than that, hm? Do you know?”</p><p>Naruto shook his head, looking like the happiest child on earth. Soon the last happiest child on earth. “No, no! What is it?”</p><p>“No,” Konan said.</p><p>That was the second before “Hm!” and two seconds before the explosion.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“Naruto is an idiot,” Sasuke said. “Why did you even accept him on the team?’</p><p>Konan and Sasuke were having a tea party. Of sorts. Post-mission party of two? Emergency meeting regarding the general decline of intelligence in the area? Sad meeting with sad tea. The budget was running low.</p><p>“We accepted <em>you</em>, Sasuke,” Konan pointed out.</p><p>“I was—”</p><p>“You were a child with some talent. There are a lot of children with some talent. We took you in because of your brother,” Konan said. “We are not an adoption agency, Sasuke. Naruto is ultimately more useful than you, considering that he has the Nine-Tails inside of him, and that he seemed to have mastered it well. He agreed to help us out.”</p><p>Sasuke slammed his fist on the table. Poor tea, Konan thought, but she doubted that it was tea anyway. Poor ashes. “I’m not a child anymore, you don’t need to lie to me. We <em>want</em> the Tailed-Beasts. We want to <em>take</em> them. Extraction means—"</p><p>“He is ready to die for the cause, Sasuke.”</p><p>The tea party ended prematurely, with Sasuke running off to Itachi and Konan walking to Naruto, whose face was brightened by his mission’s success. He ran to Konan’s arms, with blood on his arms and red on the eyes and hugged her tight.</p><p>“Neechan!”</p><p>Konan laid her hand on his hair, and they stayed like that for awhile. Konan preferred not to count time. It always spelt trouble.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>It was time for the human clock. “Na, na, na, na,” Naruto sing-sang, “fuck you Sasuke!”</p><p>“Good morning,” said Pain.</p><p>“Hello!” Tobi joined in.</p><p>“Sleep well?” Itachi asked.</p><p>“Leave some food for me!” was Deidara’s contribution of the day.<br/>
<br/>
“Na, na, na, na,” Naruto continued, “fuck <em>you</em> Sa-<em>su</em>-ke!”</p><p>Sasuke returned the call, and the morning went on as usual.<br/>
<br/>
“Nice day,” Konan commented. </p><p>Naruto held up a glass of water and pushed it to Konan, his red eyes gleaming. It must have been another colour before. “Good nutrient!” he said.</p><p>Konan took it. “Thank you,” she said, and thought how young he was, how old she was, and how they have witnessed the same thing, over and over and over. Konan can tell. Konan won’t say. Konan knew what she will find in those eyes, so she didn’t bother. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>The boy had the same exact face as Uchiha Sasuke when she first sought him out. It was Itachi’s idea to bring his little brother into the Akatsuki. He was too valuable an asset to be denied the request. </p><p>“I have a feeling that he will not handle genocide well, considering that the village ordered the execution of our clan,” Itachi explained. “So I thought maybe I can bring him along, or he might self-destruct like all of us eventually will.”</p><p>None of that out-loud, of course. Verbatim, it was: “My brother is weak. I need to train him.” And that was all that was said on the matter. Konan simply did research, and added her own interpretation to the affair. Sasuke didn’t cost them much. He was a fairly talented boy from the start. He had potential.</p><p>There was a child in Naruto whereas Sasuke’s had died as soon as Itachi brought him there. And yet they had the exact same face. It was difficult to pinpoint. It was difficult to understand. Konan didn’t try to.</p><p>“I want peace,” Naruto said. “I want the destruction of all that I hated, and I will have peace.”</p><p>Sasuke said, “I want destruction. I want to destroy the peace of all that did my clan wrong. I don’t care about what happens next.”</p><p>Maybe it was this: peace. That was what happened next. After all, the end goal for her, for Pain, for the Akatsuki, will always be peace. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>*</p><p><br/>
“Wait,” Naruto said, half-choking on his water, “so is nutrient a healing Justu or something?”</p><p>Sasuke provided him with the explanation of a middle finger. The morning went on, and there were missions to be had. So it went.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you do want more of this nonsensical AU, do tell!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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